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Valentine’s Day quiz

By Leigh E. Rich

With the ever-popular St. Valentine’s Day (aka Hallmark Holiday) around the corner—that’s tomorrow for you lovable or lovelorn out there—we friendly (and we do mean friendly) journalists here at your beloved Advocate thought some of you could prosper from our extensive “love” expertise sought after by four out of five priests executed for performing secret marriages.

Thus, our winsome editorial board (sans the Goat Department) concocted a little VD … umm, we mean Valentine’s Day … quiz for those of you still searching for or expecting the perfect gift. So brew up your chosen illegal “love potion,” grab your S.O. by the (insert body part here), and see what your wants and desires say about you, you sick bastard.

Valentine’s Day Evaluation Test

What did you get for or expect to get from your sweet-thang this Valentine’s Day?

  1. Candy
  2. Flowers
  3. A Sweet Poem
  4. Sex
  5. Dinner and Dancing
  6. A Waffle Iron
  7. Extra-Strength Condoms

If you answered “Candy” …

  • you are a sweet person who enjoys traditional gifts and likes to share OR
  • you’re a selfish chocoholic who values a sugar high over everything, even true love.

If you answered “Flowers” …

  • you love the beauty of nature, the scent of ethereal fragrances, and timeless, romantic gestures OR
  • you get some twisted joy out of watching God’s perfect creations wither and die.

If you answered “A Sweet Poem” …

  • you’re a hopeless romantic and a cultured person who recognizes the power and pulchritude of the written word OR
  • you’re cheap and like to pass yourself off as a cultured person who recognizes the power and pulchritude of the written word.

If you answered “Sex” …

  • you’re a passionate soul and a free spirit who isn’t afraid to express your intimacy with another consenting adult, knowing the physical side of love can be deep, meaningful, and transcendent OR
  • you’re a filthy degenerate who is no better than a rutting animal living solely for one carnal experience after another.

If you answered “Dinner and Dancing” …

  • you enjoy the company of that special someone and the romantic atmosphere of fine cuisine and candlelight OR
  • you’re easy to please and probably willing to sell your body for shoddy food and a few quick turns around the dance floor.

If you answered “A Waffle Iron” …

  • you’re a practical person who believes the best gifts are those you can actually use OR
  • you have absolutely no idea what Valentine’s Day is all about and probably have some sort of deviant sexual fetish involving kitchen appliances.

If you answered “Extra-Strength Condoms” …

  • you’re a mature, consenting adult willing to protect yourself and your lover while engaging in the acrobatic acts you picked up working on the farm OR
  • you’re sick and tired of the CDC naming you “Vector of the Month” in its Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report.

Rich, L. E. (2002, February 13). Valentine’s Day quiz. CU-Denver Advocate.

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